(I very rarely write in satire, but this was on my mind as of late and though it is thick with satire and some sarcasm, I would hope that everyone regardless of your approach to God read it and see if any of it strikes home.  I have nothing but love for the body of Christ and wish us all the best.) Welcome to Christianity Feeling lonely, like an outcast?  No one to talk to.  Feeling powerless and isolated?

Are you tired of being the last person picked on the team, or simply overlooked because you seem to be invisible to everyone else? Try Christianity.  All you have to do is find a Christian, tell them you want to be saved, say a quick prayer dedicating your life to God and you will suddenly be a part of the largest club  in America giving you access to all sorts of discounts and parties.  Being a part of this very elite club entitles you to boldly decry all forms of immorality that you happen to observe first or second hand.  Simply attach a few scriptures to your rebuke and you will be good to go.

Of course once becoming a member you will receive intensive training in using the Bible (our manual for living) to justify your positions on morality and to boldly attack the worldly conventions and people that you think are wrong or unbiblical.  The key here is, before, you were an outcast and we brought you in.  

Now we have made you a bonafide member of our club and you have a few responsibilities as a member.  Here are a few rules that you must abide by, otherwise we will turn our backs on you and pretend that we never knew you, much like Jesus will do:

1.  Never be afraid to testify publicly about Jesus or he will deny he knows you to his father.  This means to just be ridiculous about publicly posting messages on how you love Jesus, and how you are proud to be a Christian and that anyone who has a problem with your Christianity can go to Hell.  Yes it's okay to use that word in that context.  Don't be afraid of alienating others this is not about them it is about us.

2.  As a member of this club you agree to maintain your loyalty to America.  Do not question what our leaders do unless they are part of the immoral Democrat, Green or so called Libertarian parties.  Cling to your Bible in one hand and the American flag in the other and never the two shall part.

3.  Everyone else.  You know the non-members of our holy club, are the enemy.  We have to pretend to like them, but deep down we all know that since they refuse to hear the good news that they are all going to burn forever unless they love our Jesus, they will in fact be gone soon and forever and we must not waste our precious time on them for that is surely throwing our pearls before swine.  We must focus all our time and energy on building the club, adding more members and becoming the moral majority not just here in the US but in the world.

4.  If you get caught breaking one of the ten commandments, you are out.  Don't bother coming to our meetings anymore.  Sorry, they are the 10 commandments, it's not like god asks any more from us.

5.  Guns, and war and funding missiles and weapons like that is encouraged because we have a holy mandate to wipe the earth clean of god's enemies.  But, spending money on the poor and funding welfare, really a hand out to people who don't want to work -- is prohibited.  Likewise medical services for those that can't take care of themselves, especially the ones who refuse to join our club is also prohibited.  Social security is okay though because we are actually affected by that in the long run.

6.  Remember the biblical verse that says "God only helps those that help themselves" and apply it to every situation.  Remember also that Jesus was speaking figuratively when he asked us to care for the least of these and he was really only talking about members of our club.  The only real way to help people is to make them members of the club, and if they refuse to be members, Jesus tells us to dust our feet off and go to someone else.

7.  You are now part of a world wide club that helps lonely people all over the world by building colossal sized buildings for club meetings with gyms and pools and other recreational facilities.  It takes money to do all of this.  If you are not contributing at the very least a good 10 percent of your income to the club, you are stealing from god and violating the Bible where it says to give 10 percent of your income before taxes (yes they had taxes in Bible-times) to your local church. You like the club don't you?  Well it costs money.

8.  Our reward is in Heaven and Jesus has already paid the price for our sins, so nothing more is required of you at this time.  In fact works are an outright denial of gods grace.   When the rapture comes and we all get to heaven you may have some kind of job to do, but it will be something you really like, like playing the harp for ten thousand years and singing praises to our lord. That's all for now.  Welcome to Christianity.  There is nothing more required of you at this time.  Have a blessed day.